“We need to seriously talk”

Any dialogue makes it difficult not what is said, but what is not said. Three American coaches invite us for the scenes of the hot quarrel and show us on a living example how to talk about everything in the world, without breaking into a scream and not quarreling.

Basic ideas

There are three components in each conversation: facts, emotions, protection.
Dialogue does not work if its participants consider each other enemies, and not allies.
To soften the situation, it is useful to admit your feelings.

“You have a minute? I need to talk to you. “It’s not easy to tell another person what is happening in our souls, or to announce to him that it is time to part. We are afraid that they will not understand us, we do not want to hurt or lose the love and good attitude of another. How to avoid difficulties in communication? Three Harvard teachers – Douglass Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Hin (Sheila Heen) do not doubt: complex, or “serious”, the conversation does not what is proclaimed, but what is not mentioned at all. Despite the external diversity, “serious conversations” have the same structure. After all, we, without realizing this, are always conducting three parallel strategies:

We impose our facts and our vision of the situation,
We want to make our feelings respect,
We protect ourselves.

To show how it works in real life, we will take for example one young couple, which will constantly quarrel.

Certain situation

Young people, let’s call them Oksana and Vadim, went on vacation along the sea coast (to the very one where they once met), and stopped visiting friends who introduced them. Dinner. Oksana is trying to quit smoking, but still smokes one cigarette after another. In the end, Vadim grabs her hand and says: “Maybe enough?»Oksana rides home with a frowning. “What’s happened?” – asks Vadim. “Nothing, I’m tired”. Vadim hugs Oksana: “Well, I see that something is wrong.”. “You treat me like a little girl! The story with a cigarette is terrible!”” But you told me you want to quit. I just wanted to help you!”” As if I am not able to help myself “. “The fact that you are so angry because of this is just funny!”” I am angry because you humiliated me in front of friends!”” Yes, you are just looking for a reason for a quarrel. You constantly reproach me “. How a couple came to such a turn in a conversation?

1. What really happened?

We will try to return to where the quarrel began. It was Vadim’s gesture in the presence of friends

Au XIXe siècle en Grande-Bretagne, de nombreuses femmes souffraient d’une maladie connue sous le nom de “hystérie”. Les principaux symptômes de la maladie ont été considérés comme une anxiété kamagra en pharmacie sans ordonnance une irritabilité et une gravité dans l’abdomen. La raison d’une condition désagréable, selon les médecins, était dans l’arrangement inapproprié de l’utérus. En fait, ces femmes qui sont privées des joies du plaisir sexuel non seulement avec leurs conjoints, mais aussi avec eux-mêmes, ils ont souffert d’une autre maladie.

. What he meant? Oksana version: “You treat me like a small one”. Interpretation of Vadim: “I just wanted to help you”. Most of the “serious conversations” begins just like this: the facts are mixed when trying to establish what happened or could have happened, who said what or did. Everyone in the dispute tries to impose on another version of what is happening. And here the problems begin: there is no longer a dialogue between our heroes, but a duel in which each of them wants to win.

Error: a vicious circle of mutual accusations

Vadim and Oksana made two mistakes. First of all, each of them is sure that his version of what happened is true. When Oksana exclaims: “That’s what I thought about!”, In essence, she claims:” I am right, but you are not “. Secondly, they are sure that they know each other’s intentions based on the assumption that these intentions are bad. Reproaching each other, they do not listen, they blame: “You will always treat me like a little girl?”He has no choice but to defend himself, attacking at the same time:“ You are looking for a reason for a quarrel all the time!”Thus, a vicious circle is created.

Solution: deposit system

First of all, it is necessary to change the purpose of the game: not to impose your point of view and not find the guilty, but to understand each other and achieve consent. In other words, Vadim and Oksana must stop behaving as enemies and become allies, move from the accusation system (“You are to blame, your point of view is incorrect, you must change it”) to the system of mutual contributions (“We are both responsible, let’s tryfind out why our points of view do not coincide “).

2. Feelings in the game

The skirmish is accompanied by strong emotions that are difficult to control: anger, shame, sadness. At the beginning, Oksana tries to hide them: “Nothing happened. I’m just tired”. After which she does not restrain himself and in an extremely expressive manner shows her emotions, raising her voice. In fact, she is not sure: is it right to demonstrate what she feels or not? Vadim, for his part, asks himself how to do him: console her or send her to hell?

Error: restraining

Emotions underlie any difficult conversation, but they rarely lend themselves to verbalization: either because it is considered inappropriate, or because people are afraid to become vulnerable. Despite the way they are trying to restrain them with, emotions affect behavior, manifesting themselves in the form of a certain potential “destruction”: hiding behind sarcasm, impatience, anger. Oksana was ashamed to do this to her friends. Instead of recognizing and determining your feelings, Oksana dumps them on Vadim: “You wanted to humiliate/offend me”. So the core of the conflict moves from its own emotions to the intentions of the partner: misunderstanding inevitably.

Solution: verbalize emotions without hesitation

The only way to avoid misunderstanding is to say how you feel. Keywords for this: “I feel/I think …” In addition, it is necessary to give the interlocutor the opportunity to understand himself. If you say: “To be angry because of this is just funny,” you just get him even more. If you say: “Help me understand why you are so angry,” you will help him calm down.

3. Image and personality

Who am I in this pair? Oksana does not want to seem a little girl, and Vadim is a henpecker. Unnoticed by themselves, they both wonder how they look from the outside: are they worthy of being loved? Both are afraid to lose not only the respect of others, but also self -esteem.

Error: all or nothing

Did Oksana really behave like little? Is it true that Vadim wanted to humiliate her (and achieved this)? The difficulty is to learn how to manage your reactions without exposing yourself to the syndrome of “all or nothing”: not to lose face due to a lack of self-confidence and accept everything as it is and plunge into self-reckonance.

Solution: to everyone their responsibility

Vadim and Oksana can admit their shortcomings without losing the face: “I really lack will, since I continue to smoke”;”Having reproached you publicly, I wanted to seem cool”. The courage with which each of the interlocutors assumes his share of responsibility should help them be the same honest and sincere in relation to each other. You can also stop seeing only the shortcomings of the interlocutor (“You never admit your mistakes”; “You want to quarrel all the time”) and admit that he is able to change. And in this way, together, you can come to the resolution of the conflict.

How to choose a partner for life?
5 steps to learn to love

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